Enviable Position
I had to go home for Christmas this past week and play the Uncle Christopher role. Each Christmas is a time to see everyone at once, and each year it seems like the family grows. This year was no different as a sister brought my newest nephew along for me to meet. At 2 months of age and the warranty expired you better believe I kept my distance. This still left five nieces and nephews to contend with, including for the first time the 3 boys which now resemble little people rather than helpless beings. It was a good time wrestling against all five of them, and surely only better times are in store as the boys age a few more years.
Everyone says being a Grandparent is the best role to play in raising children. I can think of two reasons (OK surely more than two but I’m not trying to get too deep in thought on a sober 7:30am evening) why this can’t possibly be true. First, grandparents are expected to babysit. The old-wives tale on how grandma gets to play with junior for a couple hours then give them back doesn’t hold much merit these days. Grandparents are often the stop-gap measure between working a day job and paying high child care fees. 5 days a week, 8 hour days, and grandma basically has a full time job raising Johnny junior for roughly 30% of his childhood. So much for the theory of enjoying fun time and giving them back, eh? Secondly, by default a grandparent is old. How many of your friends fantasize over a MILF? How about a GILF? ‘Nuf said.
Aunts don’t have it as bad as the grandparents, but I can still come up with two quick reasons it’s not such a good gig. What works against them is Aunts are female by default. That factor alone… well, we won’t go there today. But it should be understood that being a female does take on certain assumed responsibilities in regards to children. As a result, the weekend here or there to babysit their sibling’s children while the parents ”escape” should be expected. Or perhaps more bluntly put, the aunt will almost always be viewed as a babysitting option. Furthermore, women don’t really have excuses for not buying gifts. If you are a women who has neglected to buy a birthday gift for a friend it’s likely you’ve also been accused of being a lesbian. That time none of your friends went to the bathroom with you… yeah, it happened then. If neglecting a friend raises questions of your sexuality just imagine what charges skimping your blood-relative are worthy of.
As for uncles, we are the shit. For starters, name the ONLY situation which would cause an uncle to be a babysitter candidate. The answer: He’s married. There is no sibling in this world which would entrust their bachelor brother to watch after their child for any time longer than it took for them to run to the restroom and back. And that’s in their own home. If we are talking out in public it’s a new game. Women are quite likely to entrust previously unknown women to watch their children before the uncle. Say for example a restaurant… It’s quite likely the mother will bestow her trust with the passing-by waitress for the 90 seconds it takes her to piss long before the uncle. OK that is entirely an assumption on my part, but not one without merit. Much like women trust other women first, men reach out to other men in the same manner and as a bartender I have been asked by many gentleman to watch after the children while they run inside the OTB to place a bet. Of course this could also be used as an example of why not to entrust the uncle with your child, but you get my point.
Additionally, name the ONLY situation when an uncle is expected to buy a gift? Answer: He’s married of course and his damned wife buys the gift and asks him to sign his name to the card. The bachelor uncle is assumed to be a non-gift bearing individual and can only raise his status by bearing gifts. Suddenly the grandparents elevate you to a “good” uncle status. And this part is key guys pay attention: It doesn’t matter one bit what the F we give as a gift. Walk into Walmart, find the clearance clothing rack, and buy a $3 T-shirt. The size is unimportant. If the shirt is too big you were planning ahead (a good thing), if it’s too small seem shocked at how much they grew from the last time you saw them (also a good thing), and if it fits (Hat trick!) consider it your lucky day and leave your nieces and nephews at the bar with me as you head into the OTB on your way home.
